March, 1996
Dear Caroline E,
Lisa had another dream about you the other night. It was set in a
room in which those who had lost loved ones could communicate with them through a glass
partition and telephone, much like a prison setting. Lisa and I were together
waiting to talk to you. We watched the others and then it was our turn. Unlike the others
we could see as well as talk to you. You told us that you had been watching us all the
time and that you'd been to some of Lisa's soccer games. You also told her that you were
sitting on top of the stone wall when she planted bulbs in the camp memorial garden. Lisa
thought that was especially wonderful.
Auntie Kim said that she was grieving for you acutely yesterday.
She was sitting at her kitchen table. After a while she got up from the table to wind the
clock. As she was walking toward the wall clock she heard a footstep
beside her. The old fashioned cabinet underneath the clock unlatched with a clicking sound
and opened. She re-latched the cabinet door and wound the clock. Auntie Kim said she
wasn't scared but she wanted to see if the cabinet had unlatched itself or if it had been
worked loose somehow. She wasn't sure if the latch had made that clicking noise, so she
unlatched the door and, sure enough, it made the same sound she heard before. Was that you
opening the door? Auntie Kim said it made her feel much better thinking that it might have
been you.
I do believe you are giving us all comfort and support. You
always seem to come through when we need you. It would be just like you to be concerned
about our feelings and then try to do something to make us feel better. I suppose you are
living according to a heavenly plan. I like to think that just as our days follow a
spiritual pattern, your existence does, too. Is there much unhappiness in heaven if souls
choose not to follow that plan or just a recognition of what would have been a better
choice? Is there also free will in heaven? It is all such a great mystery.
I know there is unhappiness on earth when we exercise our free
will without consulting or praying for God's guidance. I hate to think how many times I've
charged ahead and plunged headlong into situations I regretted later. I'm learning to
listen to God's guidance a bit better now. Sometimes I have to trust that my inclinations
are messages from God. I feel my thoughts and ideas really aren't entirely my own. Ideas
that benefit others are the way you and God guide me. I guess life is a big give and take.
We help each other grow spiritually. Is that the whole purpose of our existence on earth?
Is our mission based on loving others? I think so.
Life is, indeed, ever changing. I find that adjusting to this
stage of my life is less painful if I let go of the desire to control. I think this is a
big issue in grieving. It seems to me that the so-called anger stage of grief comes when
people are angry because of their lack of control. Consciously,
time of death is one thing in which we have no say. Who comes and goes is not in our
hands. I don't think I went through any stages of grief with you. As a matter of fact, I
question the whole "stage" idea. Perhaps people do go
through stages of grief when death is perceived as a loss and a process of letting go. I
did a lot of sorting out when Grandaddy died and I came to the conclusion that death does
not separate us from those we love. Coming to that
realization before you went, helped a lot in dealing with my feelings toward you. In a
sense, I did my homework on grief and it paid off when it was your time to go.
I used to think letting go was saying goodbye and getting on with
my life. Now, letting go simply means giving you the freedom to come and go. It
doesn't mean saying goodbye forever so that you can drift away into nothingness. I believe
there is a vibrant, active spiritual world within and around our earth-bound souls. I know
that whenever I need you, you will be by my side. There is no goodbye. There is no
holding on. There just is.
Later, he was asked by the Pharisees when the kingdom
of God was coming, and he gave them this reply: "The kingdom of God never comes by
watching for it. Men cannot say, ‘Look, here it is,' or ‘There it is,' for the
kingdom of God is inside you."
Luke 17:20-21 |
